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My Father's Day "Do-Over"

by Phil Stott

Do-over? Done.
 
Wow. Not even a week since I wrote about wanting a Father's Day do-over, and I've already had it. (In fact, as I write, it's not even a week since Father's Day.) Sure, my special day do-over lasted a mere two hours, and involved standing in a horrendously uncomfortable spot atop a bench in the middle of Manhattan, peering through a chain link fence, but it was one of the best breaks from my usual routine that I could have come up with. It also fulfilled almost all the rules I laid out in my previous post, in that it was centered around a sporting event, and allowed me to take a break from the stresses and routine of my everyday life. The only thing missing, in fact, was my couch!

The event: Showdown in Chinatown, a charity soccer game featuring some of the top players in world soccer, and several stars from the NBA. The time: right as I was supposed to finish work, meaning I had to sneak out early (another bonus for a "special" day-if it feels illicit, it heightens the enjoyment). The place: a shabby soccer field smack in the middle of Chinatown.

Now in its second year, the game is jointly organized by NBA star Steve Nash (who, it turns out, is almost as good with a ball at his feet as he is with one in his hands), and former US national soccer star Claudio Reyna. Also in attendance were the likes of Thierry Henry, fresh from winning the UEFA Champion's League (European soccer's premier competition-the equivalent of the Super Bowl) with Barcelona, Salomon Kalou of Chelsea, Mathieu Flamini of AC Milan, Inter Milan's Javier Zanetti, Dutch legend Edgar Davids, and several more luminaries of the game. From the basketball side, meanwhile, were the likes of Grant Hill, Tony Park, and a guy called Chris Bosh, who may well be a talented basketball player, but clearly hasn't ever used his feet for much more than standing on! (If you have any doubts, check out this video footage of the game, courtesy of the New York Post).

Now, I will confess that I was a little apprehensive about attending the game-and family was the main reason. My usual routine when I finish work is to jump on the subway, then transfer to my commuter train and head straight for home-a journey that takes around 90 minutes, and usually sees me home around 7:30, some 12 hours after I leave in the morning, approximately 15 minutes before Maeve goes to bed, and around 3 hours before my wife and I usually hit the sack. Any variation, therefore, means that I don't get to see Maeve before she goes to sleep, and really cuts into my time with my wife-things that I'm not willing to sacrifice without a very good reason. As it turns out, my list of reasons includes getting the opportunity to stand within six feet of some of the best soccer players on the planet!

Once I'd decided to go to the game-and cleared the decision with my wife-any feelings of guilt quickly disappeared, and the holiday feeling kind of took over. The soccer helped-despite the guys playing at half speed, there were some incredible skills on display-but it was more than that. Partly, it was the break from the routine; the feeling (one that I remember from before becoming a parent) that I had nowhere to be, and nothing to worry about except my own entertainment-even if it only for a couple of hours.

Partly, though, it was watching a bunch of some of the fittest, best-paid guys in the world having an absolute blast kicking a ball around like a bunch of kids, In doing so, I came to a couple of realizations: first, that most of the guys out there were younger than me, and making a living in a way I'd always dreamed of-a thought that came with not a little side order of regret. It was accompanied, though, with the additional realization that, while I might envy their abilities and lifestyle, I wouldn't trade it for my family life. Now if that isn't a lesson to take from Father's Day-or a do-over-I don't know what is.

Ask the Savvy Daddy Expert MD

by Tony Chen

You may have seen that we here at Savvy Daddy have recently added a distinguished Panel of Experts. You can see their bios here, but basically these folks are profs, physicians, clinicians, and academics that are savvy gurus on topics relevant to us dads trying to raise great kids.  These experts have been gracious enough to answer real questions from real dads - email me your questions (tony at savvydaddy dot com) and I'll be passing along the most relevant & compelling questions to them.  Today, we are honored to present to you Dr. Russell Robertson, Chairman of Family & Community Medicine at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University.  

Dad Question: What's your take on the explosion of ADHD in America?  Are we diagnosing this disease correctly?  Why do you think most ADHD cases are boys?

Robertson: We had dinner with good friends recently.  The husband had just retired from a high ranking position at a Fortune 500 company.  He described his behavior as a young boy as one that would have surely labeled him as ADHD and likely in today's world, would have found him on prescription medications.  Yet many of his "ADHD" behaviors made him highly productive and successful at multitasking.  He routinely answered over 300 emails per day.

My concern is that the energy and vitality of young boys is wrongly and often assumed to be ADHD as opposed to behaviors that indicate a high degree of intelligence and curiosity.  Teachers (I was an elementary school and junior high school teacher) are often frustrated in dealing with these children and often because their classrooms are an increasingly challenging environment made more so by children who are presumed to be easily distracted.

Instead, I would ask parents and teachers to re-direct rather than attempt to suppress these behaviors.  These boys, and they are mostly boys, are high energy kids and need to be exercised physically and mentally. They are like racehorses.  Sitting them in front of a computer screen to play games or in front of a TV, while temporarily distracting, is not good for them at all.  Make sure your kids are well exercised.  Playing with them at home is a great thing to do.  Ride bikes, play basketball, run with them.  This is great bonding time as well.  Challenge their intellects by learning more about their interests and then help them to engage in focusing on completing tasks.  Only children with the most disruptive behavior should be evaluated for medications and even then, I would look for mental health providers who have a reputation for being stingy with medications.

I would also recommend a book my wife found for me to read. It is called, "The War Against Boys" by Susanna Hoff Summers - a fabulous read!
 
Dad Question: What's your take on the growing trend of parents refusing to have their children vaccinated for fear of negative side-effects (e.g. autism)?  There seems to be "solid scientific evidence" on both sides of the argument, or is there?

Robertson: By way of example, in the early 70's, the vaccine for pertussis was not as pure as it could have been and there were children who did have reactions, some that were severe.  In the United Kingdom, a number of parents chose not to vaccinate their children for pertussis as a response.  Subsequently, the number of children who died from pertussis easily outnumbered those who had been having reactions.

What is happening at the present is a truly dangerous trend that is endangering the lives of millions of children.  Because the first vaccines for measles are not given until the age of 15 months, all children under this age are at risk of contracting measles from unvaccinated children.  World wide, over 200,000 children died from measles in 2007 and as new cases continue to appear in the US, there will inevitably be preventable deaths.

While having a child with autism is a challenge beyond my imagining and understanding that the desire to locate a treatable cause is understood, after numerous studies, there is NO EVIDENCE that vaccines are a cause of autism.  Further, it is irresponsbile to perseverate the notion that vaccines are a cause and to choose not to have your children vaccinated. 

Dad Question:  How did you keep your promises to your wife and kids about being at games, etc?  How did you handle it if you had a work emergency to attend to?

Robertson: As a physician, I learned that I needed to take every opportunity to control my schedule.  I also did a great deal of reading early in my years as a Dad about what I would call "unintentional narcissism:, i.e. the notion that my presence at work or with my patients was essential. If one is not careful, this is an easy trap into which one can fall, regardless of your profession. 

In the final analysis and in almost every situation, work was the place where I was most replaceable, not home.  There are no "do overs" with your wife and children.  Time accelerates as your children grow and I did not want to be like many of my colleagues whose careers were successful, but their personal and family lives were in ruins.

I made an effort to schedule everything and then to stick to it.  That way, when there truly was an emergency, it was understood and accommodated.  I also worked very hard to make no promises that I was not able to keep. 

The other thing to keep in mind is that prioritizing family over one's work should not be considered a sacrifice!  This is your wife for all time and your children.  How could you not value them above all else!

Have a question for Dr. Robertson?  Send your questions to me via email (tony at savvydaddy dot com).

Can I get a do-over for Father's Day?

by Phil Stott

Am I ever glad that Father's Day is over.  Maybe it's because I live on Long Island, where the weather ruined just about every plan I could've made for the day (not to mention most of the month of June): not only did it prevent me from road-testing the new barbecue tools that showed up gift-wrapped in the morning, it also ruined the tradition I had going of watching the final round of the US Open. And, on top of all that, we had to make a trip to the mall. On a Sunday afternoon. To return stuff. Not the most fun that can be had on a day held in your honor, let me tell you.

Still, it's not like it was all bad. The lie-in was most appreciated, as were the gifts, the special breakfast (calories on top of calories, dusted with sugar, and some apple thrown in for the pretence of health), and the entire concept of the day, which my wife did her best to ensure was all about me (hence the tradition of watching golf all day-no way that'd fly any other day of the year!). My biggest problem was that no-one told Maeve. Far from treating the day as one where Dad gets to relax and put in some solid time molding his shape into the couch cushions, she took it as an opportunity to put her little personality into overdrive.

Sure, parts of it were cute: like the 30 minute journey to the mall, where she serenaded my wife and I with a song about how the muffins were all gone. (It went something like "muuufffffiiiiinnnn, muuuuffffffiiiiiinnnnn, mmmmuuufffffffiiiiiiinnnn, all gone"-not exactly Lennon and McCartney, but not bad for a 19-month old that hasn't so much as seen a muffin in over a week.) Parts of it, though, were downright awful. Like the high-pitched-and high-volume-screaming that seemed to start the second we got into the mall, and didn't end until we were home. And we're not talking a typical meltdown here either-it was more like a campaign of sustained psychological warfare; like she knew that what she was doing was pushing our buttons, and wanted to see how far she could take it. You could see it in her eyes, not to mention the way she'd stop just long enough for you to conjure up the possibility of a thought that wasn't solely about her screaming, and then let out another ear-piercer.

I don't rank Maeve as a particularly high-maintenance child, but there are days where, like most kids, she can be a little tougher than usual. Then there are days where it seems like there's nothing you can do to make her happy. Then there are days like Father's Day, where you wonder how anyone ever coined the old rhyme about girls being made of "sugar and spice and all things nice." Unless the spice is grade A chili, and "all things nice" includes some seriously sour vinegar, of course!

Because of all of that-and because I suspect I wasn't alone in actually having to be more of a proper hands-on Dad on Father's Day than on just about any other day this year-I'm declaring a whole new holiday aimed at a pretty specific sub-group. It's called the "Father's Day Do-Over," and can be taken in the event of the original holiday being a washout. Recommended activities include scheduling it around a can't-miss sporting event (I'm thinking the Wimbledon final, but that'll depend if my countryman Andy Murray makes it or not), and getting someone else to look after the kids for the day. Who knows, if it's a success, maybe I'll roll it out to include other holidays. While it typically wouldn't extend as far as second sets of gifts, it could definitely be invoked if you make the mistake of giving your wife a new iron or kitchen implement for Christmas or a birthday. And it would definitely be on the cards for Thanksgiving; who doesn't want the opportunity to add another food coma onto their calendar?