Filthy, dirty, grubby

[Jeff Kleinman]

What is this goo?

It's between the sofa cushions. It's stuck to the wall. It's inside the car armrests, hardened from the heat.

Whatever it is, the kids left the nauseating trail.

Why don't they clean up after themselves?

The cats leave legless roaches as a gift to their humans. The girls leave half-eaten food as a hex on their parents.

Surely, gentle Moms and Dads, you know all about the proverbial pizza box left under the bed in the teen's room. Perhaps we should hook an iPod to the garbage pail so our kids use it every once in awhile.

The cats in our home take better care with their food and waste.

Before the most recent school quarter began, I emptied the school bags of moldy chips, half-chewed cough drops, a banana peel, unidentified glop. Every day, bread crusts and dirty spoons get left in the lunch sacks. In the kitchen, dirty dishes await attention from the magical maid (me). In the bedrooms, wrappers, crumbs and water bottles collect dust.

The slob gene is out of control.

It's not as if we don't give the parental cleanup lecture. Matter of fact, we're A-1 naggers when it comes to requiring the basics: Rinse off plates, throw garbage in can, empty bedroom of rotting food.

Meanwhile, their grandparents are insanely neat, stooping to pick up a single crumb if it shoots from a mouth during conversation.

So what the heck happened to the gene pool?

It got polluted.

Smaller kids, of course, leave a trail that they can't help. Vomit in the crevices of the wood floor. Mashed veggies in the now-green grout. Soggy cereal everywhere you look.

But what happens that older, responsible children can't clean up their acts?

Only fans of this are the ants and roaches that run rampant in South Florida.

The carpenters were especially happy as they paraded across the desk one morning, celebrating a camp project proudly hanging on the corkboard: bubble-gum art.

But as they get bigger (the kids, not the ants), they should know better. Instead, they just get sloppier. And their surroundings get more gah-ross.

I can't enter our apartment without sitting on something or stepping in something that should have been trashed or flushed.

One of the biggest problems is in the car. As we rush off to school each day, the girls grab their breakfast bars or cereal bowls or toast plates and finish eating during the ride. When they exit the car for school, the morning mess stays behind.

After helping the princesses inside school one day, I returned to the car and sat right into a half-eaten bowl of apple oatmeal left in the driver's seat for me to toss.

Well, young ladies, your trashy trends are over, starting now. If you want to finish up in the car, you now have to scoop up your paper plates and containers and toss them before you enter the building. If you want dinner, you'll need to clean your places afterward.

We know keeping tidy is the last thing on your minds. You have a lot to worry about with school and friends and your Facebook updates. But Mom and Dad can't be your own personal sanitation engineers.

Ready to wipe the slate clean?


Jeff Kleinman is an editor at The Miami Herald, the husband of a first-grade teacher and the father of two tween girls. Visit his other Dad on Duty blog posts at http://www.momsmiami.com/?a=profile&u=64&t=blog.

Follow us on Twitter @jeffkleinman